At the beginning of the pandemic, none of us had any idea what was waiting for us on the other side, except for the fact that we were all going to be restricted to a certain space, for an indefinite amount of time. With no end in sight, we were all compelled to learn how to live through a pandemic- not new to history, but definitely our generation- which quickly taught a lot of us about our own mortality in the age of modern medicine. Covid-19 so ferociously reminding us all of the fact that the only true limited resource we have as sentient beings, is time.*
Throughout human history, we have used our time in the pursuit of happiness. We all seek as much of it as we can get- it is the most intrinsic human plight. The downside to this limited resource in the digital age is the cesspool of choices we are all exposed to on a daily basis, of which anxiety, stress and burn out by information over load are acute consequences. With these many choices and (social) anxieties about where to invest your time, we waste it making choices we don’t want to make, and do things we don’t really don’t want to do, feeling stuck, and miserable. I believe most of us out there are actually paralysed with the fear– of beginning, of the unknown. I’ve noticed that as most adults around me grow older, they become more regretful, because they ‘play it safe’, they’ve found a comfort zone rather than a happy zone. In the past 18 months however all of us were (at least I was) forced to face our worldly existence, with most of us assessing (or reassessing) our way of life, what we most desire and the ‘terms and conditions’ we set for ourselves, to live a better, more meaningful life.
We’re all guilty of the fear to some extent, I know I am. Admitting this to myself was hard enough, let alone write it for people to read. I was miserable and stuck because I denied myself to look at my hits, fixating only on my misses, and not the whole picture. Constantly wanting to be busy, because of today’s toxic work culture, unhappy, lost in city life constantly tired, not knowing where time went, I can’t remember the number of times my mates have looked me in the eyes to catch my attention to say “Taabish, breathe”. I was guilty of paying attention to what ‘others think’ outward validation which cost me my time, rather than paying gratitude which costs nothing. I think even after all this, I still lack the discipline of stillness, but I now know my answer to the question of how to be happy, it isn’t satisfying desires, it’s shedding fear. Fear of failing, fear of judgement, and the fear of starting something new, yet the fear of missed opportunities and beginning to find peace with things around me, and within myself.
Photo by Taabish RayaniMy mum plays it safe- her and I have fundamental ideological differences in our beliefs- she says no to new things (except food) and tried to tailor me in the same fashion- cautious, muscles always contracted like a cheetah about to lunge. I was even afraid of dogs till my 18th year because I was told to be by my Muslim relatives and acquaintances! (I live with 2 cats and a dog now!) All I heard in my ear was, all the things that could go wrong if I started something new (that is, if I got an explanation beyond ’no’). My whole life has been a series of ‘don’t do this or else’, being labelled a ‘rebel’. It made me miserable as a teenager and young adult!
I didn’t get to pick my own IB major because my mum did psychology so it was the ‘safe’ tested option. I dropped it in grade 12 and took History- my mum was furious and even though I was terrified because I missed a whole year of syllabus- it was one of the best decisions I made because I then went on to get an MA in Classical Studies, the best experience of my life so far. An opportunity I would have missed out on, had I succumbed to the fear of beginning something new when I was in school. In my 16 year, I dragged my mum and masi out to central London to watch the fireworks because I “wasn’t allowed to go alone”, by 9:30 they were tired, ready to leave and watch it on TV. It was my first NYE in Central London, and the first year the city hosted an event, so I forced them to stay, while they gave me an earful about how they just wanted to go back to the comfort of their couch, till about 11 when Southbank was lit with murmurs, music, and merry festivity. It took us 3 hours to walk to the closest tube station, and we got home at around 5am, but my masi and mum still look back fondly and say “we didn’t want to stay because we had never been to such a thing before, but I’m so glad we did because if we went home, we would have missed out on a marvellous experience, thank you”. So naturally, it was difficult for me to live at home with my parents when I came back from five years at University in Scotland. I got an earful about adopting my dog, my choice to be a handpoke tattoo artist, and learning how to pole dance. Sometimes it still makes me miserable.
To be honest, I guess I have to thank her, for without her perspective approach, I would have been unable to challenge myself, and live through the experiences I have that have made me a truer, happier version of myself in a world full of people trying to miserably fit in. I started to realise that I need to do what makes ME happy, not any projected rendition of happiness, conditioned by my family, fiction, and generational socio-culture. I need to not be held hostage by fear, to hone the courage to dare, to take that first step, to see what’s on the other side of deciding to be free. Also, here we are, with my dog and mother cuddling! It began with her saying no to letting the dog anywhere outside my room. My mum now kisses, pets and greets the dog when she comes home, before her own children haha! She has formed a bond she never knew she could! My dad drunk dailed me once and said ‘kya yaar Taabi, there is a dog here I am petting and I miss Skylar, you got me to love dogs, what did you do!’ Who do you think won happy? Comfort? Or Curiosity?
Curiosity never killed the human race, it aided us. It was curiosity and the human desire to understand, influence and manipulate nature that motivated development in science, philosophy, and other fields of study. It’s why I love first times, new experiences- call it what you shall, because in retrospect, I never really regret the things I do, but the things I didn’t do. There is no better feeling walking into the unknown, only to look back later wondering ‘now, why I so scared of all this endless adventure?’ Whenever I see a path I want to embark on, its mostly because I’m plagued in wanting to find out what happens at the end, to look back at the beginning, to realise how simple it really was. Blaise Pascal says, ‘things are always best in their beginning’, and I still chuckle when I say this to my clients, especially the first 50 I did, ‘it’s a good thing for me you’re getting inked from me now, because I’m still learning, I’m a beginner, if I fuck up it’s understandable and it’s not all my fault’ I can’t say the same thing to client number 1000 I tattoo, now can I?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
Poem By Taabish RayaniMissed opportunities have caused more regret, than being nervous about embarking on that opportunity even though you know there are certain things you can’t control like unforeseen obstacles. At some point, for a more meaningful life, you have to snap out of it, so at least you can sleep satisfied knowing you gave it a shot. We have been so programmed to think that ‘a new beginning’ or ’that what I have not already experienced’ is scary. Worrying about it, won’t stop the flow of time, even if you wish for it. You can either worry about all the things that could go wrong, and live a dream other are selling you, or you can do exactly what you want to do. Being honest with yourself is the most difficult thing you can do, but it is also the most daring and liberating. Do you dare to not give up in the face of fear and actualise your desires? How then can you build the best life you want to live? Time is limited, and fear is abundant, but courage is a tool, and regret is worse than failure. Be curious, ask for what you want, begin that journey, take that opportunity because at the end of the day, it’s the journey we look back on, and the happy memories that we make along the way. Whatever it is you want to do, all you have to do is choose to begin, and begin to choose. Endless possibility is what makes time limitless; and isn’t the limitless exhilarating?
*Much love and more strength to everyone who has lost a loved one during this pandemic.
Written By Taabish Rayani
I was born and bred in Mumbai, but I consider myself a resident of Pangaea. I’m a stick and poke tattoo artist, I like dogs more than humans, and I would rather read an ancient satire by Aristophanes, than watch a Marvel movie (I know, what a classical gyp). I believe life is happy if you are the person your dog thinks you are!
Week 48, December 2021
